Grief is caused by many things, from loss to life change. We all experience it at some point, and when we do, we can find hope and comfort in our faith and in stories of endurance.
Missy Buchanan, an author, speaker and lifelong United Methodist, wrote her book, Feeling Your Way Through Grief: A Companion for Life After Loss, after her husband’s death. She explains, “It is about exploring emotions as a way forward. It is your invitation to grope alongside me in this darkness of grief.”
Be aware, honest and vulnerable
Awareness of your feelings, honesty about what you need and a willingness to be vulnerable are important aspects of coping with grief. Buchanan embraces these practices on days when she needs to be alone. She’ll send a text to her children that says, “This is going to be a raw day. I will be fine.” The note lets them know that it’s not a day for phone calls – it’s a day for quiet and space to grieve.
One rider on a bicycle built for two
The art on the cover of Feeling Your Way Through Grief is symbolic. Buchanan explains, “Grief is like trying to ride that bicycle built for two by yourself. You feel wobbly, but it’s like, ‘I can do this.’”
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“Grief is like an accordion. There are days that I want to expand. I want to breathe deeply. I want to volunteer at church and I know I need to do that. And then there are times when you need to compress. You just need to be alone. You just need to be. I give myself permission to stay in my pajamas, do nothing and cry.
"After I allow myself this emotional raw day, I always come away feeling better...lighter,” Buchanan explains.
Do what’s best for your heart
While grief is often triggered by daily occurrences or at seemingly random times, the celebratory days, like birthdays and holidays, can be the most challenging. When these special days arrive, consider what would be best for you.
On her husband’s first birthday after he passed away, Buchanan chose to stay at home rather than spend the day with friends or family members. She made his favorite breakfast and watched his favorite movie.
When it comes to family gatherings, she often honors traditions. She shares, “I still want to attend the Christmas candlelight [service], of course I do. But I bring along tissues.”
Consider the impact of compounded loss
“One of the things about aging is the whole idea of compounded loss, whether it’s friends and family members who are dying or moving away, or you are downsizing, and that means the loss of possessions that you once cherished, which your children don’t want.
“There are all these different kinds of loss, and so in that last season of life, it's just one loss upon another loss upon another loss,” Buchanan observes.
Losses often lead to more and more change, which can be difficult. Moving to a new community, building new relationships in a new season or saying goodbye to the way things have been for many years are all valid reasons to grieve.
Of her own move to a new town and joining a church by herself, Buchanan says, “That was way harder than I ever thought. But it's all good. I needed to do it. I wanted to do it. I'm glad I did it, but it was hard.”
Missy Buchanan speaks at the Festival of Wisdom and Grace at Lake Junaluska. Courtesy of Missy Buchanan.
Take a glace into the book
As Buchanan was searching for a book to guide her through her grief, she wasn’t able to find exactly what she needed. She remembers, “I was looking for something that spoke in the language of the broken heart.”
Feeling Your Way Through Grief shares short notes Buchanan wrote to her late husband after his death, as well as questions that encourage readers to reflect upon their own emotions. Below is a story from the book, titled “Rocking Chairs”:
The pair of rocking chairs on the front porch are empty now, except for the colorful pillows propped against the chairbacks. They are silent and still, moving only if a storm blows through, causing them to do a wobbly dance. The thought of going to the porch to sit in my rocking chair without you is just more than I can bear right now. I have so many tender memories of late afternoon conversations on that porch. We sipped cool beverages under the whirring fan. We waved at neighbors walking their dogs in the park across the street.
During the pandemic, the porch was our refuge, a safe place to venture out into the world while the virus raged around us. We rocked and dreamed of vacation destinations. We FaceTimed with the grandkids. We talked about world problems and what to have for dinner. Now I wonder if it will ever feel right to sit in my rocking chair again, knowing that yours is stilled by death.
What is something that once brought you peace but now makes you uncomfortable?
Excerpt printed with permission from The Upper Room and Missy Buchanan.
Laura Buchanan works for UMC.org at United Methodist Communications. Contact her by email.
This story was published on April 24, 2025.
